Ayase and Ana (Temporarily on hold)
by Kelandry5
Summary: (Ana stands for anorexia btw!) Ayase had an eating disorder, anorexia, before he was sold and bought, but afterwards, it got worse. Ayase falls in love with Kanou, but how long will a guy who could choose anyone he wanted stick around a fat, ugly, and bratty teenager? Kanou says he loves him, but how long will it last? Will Kanou notice in time? TRIGGER WARNINGS! eating disorder
1. Chapter 1: Unwanted Lunchs

39kg (87lbs)

Ayase read the number on the scale as he stepped off. He punched the numbers into the bmi calculator on his phone.

15.9

A joke? According to the calculator, he was underweight. He turned to face mirror and pinched his stomach.

 _Disgusting._ The voice inside his head echoed. No way was someone as fat as him 'underweight'. Tears began to spill from his eyes. He didn't want Kanou to leave him because he was a disgusting fat pig with no self-control.

As was his routine, he flipped through a tiny notebook to a page with todays date on it and wrote the number 39 next to it. Underneath he wrote the words breakfast then a dash and the number zero. He hadn't eaten breakfast. Fatties don't need breakfast. Once he finished writing, he placed the notebook in the pocket of his pants sitting on the bathroom counter and walked over to the shower.

He turned the water on cold and curled up on the shower floor. Cold water was supposed to burn calories which lord knows he needed to do.

By the time his alarm went off to tell him he needed to get out and get ready to go to lunch with Kanou, he was shivering uncontrollably.

"Good" he thought. Shivering should burn calories.

As quickly as he could (his limbs were stiff from coldness and exhaustion) he got dressed and headed out the door. He had to stop a couple times to fight off the dizziness that threatened to overtake him.

"Is Ayase alright Kanou-kun?"

"What are you talking about you filthy Okama (male transvestite). Didn't I tell you to stop barging in my office?" Kanou threw a glare at his childhood friend Kaoruko.

"He looked really pale and sick yesterday. It's been bothering me. He's lost weight too. Is he sick? Please tell me it's not cancer or something awful like that!"

"He doesn't have cancer. He's fine."

"If you say so." Kaoruko wasn't convinced.

"Now get out. I'm leaving for lunch soon and you're dirtying my office!"

"Hai hai. I'm leaving." Kaoruko opened the door and left, bumping into Ayase on the way out. Somehow, the kid looked worse than yesterday, but he didn't comment.

Although he told Kaoruko that Ayase was fine, he wasn't entirely sure. He had noticed Ayase looked a little thinner, although they were only having sex a couple times a week during the past month, and it was always with the lights off since Ayase was more comfortable that way, and the boy was always in loose fitting clothing so it was rather hard to tell if he was actually thinner or not. He figured he was being paranoid, but if someone else noticed too, maybe it wasn't his imagination. He hated to admit it, but the Okama could be pretty observant sometimes. He would just ask the kid at lunch.

Speaking of lunch, he looked up to see Ayase poking his head in the door in that hesitant but cute way he always did it.

"Um….Kanou-san?" Ayase poked his head in the office door.

"Ah, are you ready to go to lunch?"

Ayase nodded.

"Where would you like to go?" Kanou removed himself from his desk, grabbed his jacket, and made his way over to Ayase. As he got closer, he noticed Ayase was shivering. "Are you cold?"

"Hai. Perhaps a little. Um. You can choose the place."

"Here." Kanou draped his jacket over Ayase's shoulders. The jacket nearly swallowed the kid whole and Kanou thought it was kind of cute. It didn't seem that cold though so the boy shouldn't be shivering. Maybe he really was sick.

"Thank you." Ayase said with a nod of the head.

"Alright. Let's go."

Ayase pulled the jacket around himself tightly. Being cold was good for burning calories but he was getting tired of shivering. _Weakling_ the voice in his head taunted but he did his best to ignore it. He followed Kanou outside and into the limousine.

Kanou whispered something to the driver, Kuba, before sitting back in the seat and pulling Ayase close to him. The boy did seem a bit bonier than usual, but maybe Kanou had just forgotten.

They pulled up in front of a fancy looking restaurant and Ayase felt a twinge of guilt. He hated that Kanou was going to spend money on something he would just vomit up. Just a salad would probably cost 2000 yen ($20) or more and he wouldn't even eat most of it. It was too late now though. He tried to push the thoughts to the back of his mind as Kuba opened the door and they slid out of the car.

The hostess led them to a nice table towards the back of the restaurant that was slightly more secluded that the other tables. They always sat at more secluded tables due to who Kanou was and Ayase was thankful. He would feel bad if his ugliness ruined the other customers' appetite. It never seemed to affect Kanou, but surely others would be disgusted.

"What can I get for you to drink?" The waitress asked.

"The wine of the day please." Kanou ordered. This restaurant had a different featured wine every day. It was what Kanou always ordered.

"And you sir?" The woman looked at Ayase.

"Just water please." He whispered.

The waitress left and Kanou and Ayase looked over the menu. When she returned, Kanou ordered the Fiorentina and Ayase ordered a Cesar salad.

"So….how has your day been?" Kanou asked awkwardly.

"Fine. And yours?" Ayase kept his eyes on his glass of water, wiping the perspiration from the sides of the glass with his finger.

"Oh. It's been the usual." He really wasn't the best when it came to random small talk. Usually Ayase carried the conversation more, but he didn't seem interested in talking. Kanou decided to let him be for the moment.

They remained silent until their food arrived. Ayase mostly pushed the food around and only lifted very tiny bites to his mouth every now and then. Normally, Kanou might not have noticed, but today he was on the lookout for odd behavior.

"Are you feeling sick?"

Ayase jolted slightly as if he had been interrupted while deep in thought.

"I'm fine." Ayase replied.

"You're not eating much."

"I had a big breakfast. I'm sorry. I wasted your money….." Ayase put his chopsticks down and stared at his lap.

"Well, it doesn't matter as long as you are okay. You sure you don't feel sick?"

"I'm sure. Ano…where is the bathroom."

Kanou eyed him suspiciously for a moment but eventually pointed to the restrooms. Ayase politely excused himself and walked to the bathroom leaving Kanous jacket on his chair. He only had a few bites, but that was still too much. He locked the bathroom stall and leaned over the toilet with his fingers down his throat. It took a minute, but eventually the bile rose and spilled into the toilet. He continued a couple more times till nothing came up and said a silent apology to Kanou and the chef. He leaned against the cool wall and waited for the dizziness to subside, popping a breath mint in his mouth.

Kanou said nothing when Ayase returned and they left the restaurant shortly after. Ayase hugged Kanou's jacket even closer, but the shivering seemed reluctant to leave. Hopefully Kanou wouldn't notice.


	2. Chapter 2: Tools of the Trade

_Comments are appreciated and they make updates happen faster._

 _(_ _ **TRIGGER WARNING:**_ _The following contains eating disorder activities and behaviors. Read at your own risk!)_

 _Enjoy!_

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Kanou dropped Ayase off at the apartment and headed back to work. Ayase turned the heat on in the apartment hoping for a little bit of warmth. Grabbing a blanket, he sat down on the couch and pulled out his notebook to write down the words lunch with a dash and then Cesar salad. Placing the notebook back in his pocket, he turned on the tv and tried to relax for a little while. His legs and arms had a tendency to fall asleep quickly these days so he had to change positions frequently. It was annoying to say the least. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes focused on anything either so he decided to close them. Perhaps he just needed some rest.

It seemed like the next alarm on his phone went off far too soon. It was already time to start preparing dinner. Ayase pushed himself off the couch and made his way to the kitchen. Every muscle seemed to have a complaint.

Dinner was his least favorite part of the day. He would always make it early so he could tell Kanou that he had already eaten, but he never actually ate it. Fat boys don't get dinner. Fat boys get a glass of water and nothing more. He still had to make the food though, which proved to be agonizing. His head was fuzzy and he had a hard time concentrating. The smells either made him nauseous or hungry. Tonight they were making him nauseous, but that was better; he wouldn't be tempted.

He finished quickly and placed the meal in the fridge to be heated up later before plopping down on the couch and looking through a magazine filled with skinny male models. He wished he could be like them. Skinny. Pretty. Toned. Perfect. Why couldn't he be perfect? His hand absentmindedly pinched different parts of his body in disgust. Why was there always so much flab on his body no matter what he did?! Curling into a fetal position and ignoring the ache of laying on the same side for too long, he cried.

When Kanou returned that night, Ayase was asleep on the couch. The poor boy looked like he had been crying, why, Kanou didn't know. He decided not to wake the boy, instead carrying him to the bedroom and tucking him in. An extra blanket was added when he realized the boy was shivering. Something was wrong with Ayase, but what?

"Ano….Kanou-san?" Ayase spoke between sips of his black coffee as Kanou munched on his toast. Kanou looked up.

"Hmm?"

"Would it be alright if I um…if I went by my apartment after to class today? I need to grab something for my class." He lied. Lying wasn't something he liked to do. It wasn't something he was particularly good at either, although if he was desperate, it seemed as easy as addition. He felt guilty, but it had to be done, the voice told him.

"Whatever you need, I'll buy it." Kanou replied. As usual, he was reluctant to allow Ayase to go anywhere without him other than school.

"Actually….it's some papers and stuff from a previous semester….I need them for my current class, and I wanted to grab a couple of other things." He added the last part since what he really needed wasn't papers and it would be suspicious if he only mentioned papers but brought other things back. He just hopes Kanou wouldn't ask for specifics about the other things.

"I'll have Homare get them for you then."

"Eto….I don't know exactly where they are….Please Kanou-san." Ayase looked at Kanou with big sparkling eyes; the ones that almost always made Kanou give in. This time was no exception. The older man gave it.

"Fine. Homare will take you once you finish with class. No other side trips!" He gazed coldly at the blonde to make sure the boy understood. Ayase nodded with a slight smile.

As soon as he finished his coffee, he grabbed his bag, kissed Kanou on the check (much to Kanous surprise), said a quick goodbye, and headed out the door. He met Homare outside the apartment and followed him to the car.

Class felt like it took forever! He didn't have any friends to distract him and the lecture seemed more boring than usual. It meant he couldn't distract himself from the guilt of lying to Kanou-san.

 _It's for the best. He wouldn't understand. He'll forgive you….once your skinny,_ the voice in his head spoke. The voice was right. The voice was always right. It was for the best. Kanou-san wouldn't understand. Lying was wrong, but maybe it was okay sometimes. Kanou-san lied. Well, more like he avoided answering or skirted around the truth. It was the same thing, right? Somehow the thought eased his mind a bit but the guilt remained in the bottom of his empty stomach.

When class finally ended, he plastered on his usual smile and met Homare outside the classroom door.

"Are you ready?" Homare looked down at Ayase who nodded. The two left the building and climbed into the car.

Ayases apartment was on the second floor of an old apartment complex. It was old and small, although not the smallest. The front door opened into a small hallway kitchen with a stove, sink, small counter, small fridge, and a microwave. On the other side was a door that led to a small bathroom. The hall/kitchen opened up to a living space with a door at the other end which opened to a small bedroom. Although Ayase wasn't a messy person, the apartment wasn't exactly clean; partially thanks to the last time he had come there to pick up some of his belongings.

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom?" Homare asked once inside. The boy would be alright alone for a few minutes.

"Sure. It's that door." Ayase pointed to the door on the right. "The toilet paper and hand towels are under the sink." He added quickly.

Once Homare had entered the bathroom, Ayase began rummaging through the kitchen drawer until he found the objects he was looking for- several bottles of various diet pills. With a quick glance to the bathroom door, he shoved the bottles in his bag. The next item was the "scrapbook" he kept under his mattress. He quickly entered the bedroom willing Homare to stay busy just a bit longer so he wouldn't have to distract the man. It didn't take long for him to pull the book out from under his mattress and stuff it in his school bag next to the pills. Next, he needed to find some papers that he could pass off as what he had claimed to need from his apartment. Shuffling through a box of old papers next to his desk, he pulled out several that could probably work.

Just as he was placing them in a separate bag (so he wouldn't risk Kanou seeing the other stuff when he showed him the papers) he heard his name called from behind and swore he jumped out of his skin.

"Oh….H…Homare…" He mentally cursed himself for stuttering.

"Are you okay? Did I scare you?" Homare looked concerned. He hadn't meant to startle the boy.

"Uh…yeah. I was just really concentrating on finding the papers….It's fine." Ayase kept his head down so the body guard wouldn't see his expression.

"Did you find what you needed?"

"Uh, yeah, I got the papers. I just want to grab a couple other things. Could you wait for me in the living room? I'll be out in a second."

Homare hesitated for a second before leaving the bedroom and Ayase sighed. He rummaged around his closet and pulled out a couple clothing items, a measuring tape, and several books. He shoved the items in the bag with the papers except the measuring tape which he placed in his school bag. After taking a moment to put the other stuff back in its place, he left the room and the apartment and went home.

Kanou-san wasn't home yet when he got back. Ayase hadn't expected him to be, but he was relieved none the less. He quickly stashed the pills and measuring tape in the very back of a drawer in the bathroom that Kanou never use, but not before taking two of the pills and writing down his current measurements in his journal. Just to be safe, he placed a towel and some various items on top of the pills and tape. Then he pulled out the "scrapbook" he had brought. Inside held pictures of models and inspirational quotes glued and taped onto the lined paper. In the back there were lists of low calorie and fat burning foods, weight loss tips, more quotes, formulas for calculating body fat and other things, and workouts and exercises. He didn't go to the back at the moment though. His finger traced the pictures of models as he compared himself to them. It was a depressing task, but good for strengthening his resolve. He read over the various quotes as well. When the alarm to start dinner on his phone went off, he placed the scrapbook in the drawer as well and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.


	3. Chapter 3: Pills and Doubt

_Comments are appreciated as always!_

 _Hope you enjoy!_

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36.7kg (81lbs)

Six pounds down in about two weeks. The pills certainly helped speed it up, especially the prescription weight loss pills he had bought off a student at his college. Buying drugs was something Ayase would normally never do, but desperate people do desperate things and he was desperate to lose weight. 36kg was still far too high.

Ayase stepped off the scale and put the weight into the BMI calculator plus his height, 160cm (5'2ft).

15.0

A slight smile crept onto his face before being swallowed by his usual frown once again. It was still too high. _Fatty! If you had more self-control you would be thin by now!_ The voice in his head scolded. If only.

He pulled out his journal and wrote the weight down next to the date followed by the word breakfast, a dash, and zero. It was the same as every other morning lately. He put the journal back on the counter and opened the drawer with the pills. As usual, he placed three pills in his mouth and washed them down with a small sip of water. He was being careful with his water intake too. Too much water would just make him look fatter.

The cold water was too much for him now, so he set the knob at lukewarm. The room was cold enough to make him shiver anyway. At least the warm water would ease the soreness from his body a bit.

He finished his shower quickly and got dressed. He was running late since he had moved far too slowly that morning. In a way, it was a good thing. It meant he didn't have to sit at breakfast with Kanou and awkwardly sip his coffee waiting to see if he would have to tell his lies again. With a sigh, he called out to Kanou-san that he was leaving, pulled a thick coat over his sweater, and made his way out to the car.

"Good morning Ayase." Kuba said dryly as he held the car door open.

"Morn…." Ayase paused feeling a sudden wave of dizziness hit him and his knees felt weak. Kuba was in front of him almost immediately to support him.

"Ayase?" Kuba called out concerned. The boy really didn't look well.

The moment passed though and Ayase took a breath and plastered his smile on his face.

"I'm okay Kuba-san. I was just a bit tired. I didn't sleep well." He lied. It wasn't a total lie. He hadn't slept well, but that wasn't the problem. He usually didn't sleep very well. It wasn't anything knew.

"Are you sure? Perhaps you should stay home today." Kuba offered by Ayase shook his head and glared at Kuba with eyes full of stubbornness.

"No. I'm okay, really. Can we go now? I'm going to be late for class."

Kuba hesitated but he agreed. If anything happened to Ayase, he would be at the bottom of Tokyo Bay by tomorrow morning for sure, however, that also meant he couldn't use physical force to stop the boy and the look of stubbornness in Ayases eyes was enough to convince him the kid would try to walk to school or something if Kuba refused to drive him. Considering how Ayase looked, he wasn't sure the kid would even survive walking that far.

Ayase couldn't focus in class. If his mind wasn't wandering then his eyes were. His head felt too heavy and he tried to rest it on his hands or arms, but his limbs fell asleep within a couple minutes. He tried shifting to the other arm every two minutes or so to keep them from falling asleep, but two minutes wasn't enough of a break. The only good thing was that the teachers either didn't notice or didn't care and the only friend that was in his classes this day was absent so no one questioned his fidgeting or anything else.

This was the one day of the week that he stayed on campus for lunch. At least, he was there during lunch time. He didn't eat. Sometimes he sat with his friends but often he made up some excuse to be as far from temptation as possible. Today was one of those days.

He made his way to the bathroom where he could escape Kuba's watch and pulled out the pill bottle in his bag. It was the same as always. Just like his morning routine, he had an afternoon routine as well. An uneasy feeling always accompanied this routine, but he rarely paid it much mind. He knew you weren't supposed to take so many of the pills in a single day and you weren't supposed to use more than one type, but that didn't matter. Those rules surely didn't apply to people as fat as him.

He unscrewed the top and shook it slightly. Two pills fell into his hand and he tossed them in his mouth swallowing them dry. The usual urge to gag, that seemed to accompany the swallowing of any solids lately, was present. The urge was gone after a few seconds though and he placed the bottle back in his bag.

Exiting the bathroom, Ayase made his way to the library where he proceeded to study, or pretended to, until his next class.

Classes finished and he was back in the apartment, he checked to make sure Kanou's shoes weren't there, which they weren't, and walked into the living room before letting his legs give out beneath him. It took a moment for him to process that he had fallen to the ground. Luckily he landed on the carpet so it didn't hurt as much, but there would still be new bruises by tonight. Realizing he didn't have the strength to get up just yet, he curled into a shivering ball and let exhaustion consume him.

The sound of an incoming text message on his phone jolted Ayase from his light slumber. With great effort and trembling arms, he pulled he phone from his bag and clicked on the message. It was from Kanou-san.

[From: Kanou

To: Ayase

I won't be home till late tonight. You don't need to make dinner for me or wait up. You know where the money is if you want to order pizza or something. ]

Ayase replied with a quick ok and put his phone away. He wasn't sure how to feel about the text. On one hand, he didn't have to eat or make up excuses for why he wasn't eating and he could go to sleep early. On the other hand, this wasn't the first time Kanou-san had stayed late recently. Actually, the man stayed late more often than not.

 _He's tired of you. He's probably with some woman. Someone who's thinner and prettier and more fun to be with._

The voice vocalized his fears in his head and he wondered if it was right. Maybe Kanou was with someone else. Maybe Kanou was repulsed by the sight of Ayase. His thoughts started running wild. Ayase put his hands on his head and bit his lip silently begging for the onslaught of thoughts and fears to stop, but it only got worse. A sob tore itself from his body. The boy curled himself into a fetal position and repositioned his arms as if hugging himself. Nails raked over his upper arms slowly removing skin until they were raw and bleeding slightly. He didn't want Kanou to leave him. He didn't want to be 'free.' He didn't want to be all alone again. He buried his face in his knees and cried.

Ayase wasn't sure how long he had been crying. The tears had run dry though. He needed to get up and clean himself off before Kanou came home and he desperately wanted to go to sleep. Sluggishly, he pushed himself up into a seat position with trembling arms. For a moment, his vision swam and his body threatened to fall over again, but the moment passed. Somehow, Ayase scooted himself over to the couch and used it to help him stand up. His vision blurred and it felt like the room was moving underneath him threatening to bring him back down again. Acid rose in his throat causing a burning feeling as he gripped the couch tighter with white knuckles. Again, the uncomfortable sensations passed and his vision cleared. With small slow steps he dragged his body into the bathroom and removed his clothes to survey the damage in the large mirror. Sure enough, new bruises had formed where his body had hit the ground earlier and some other places that must have been hit during his breakdown, the thought of which made him wince. He truly was pathetic.

The scratches on his upper arms weren't deep and had ceased bleeding already, but they stung like hell when the water from the shower hit him. Ayase had to stifle a yelp. He didn't bother stifling the groans from pain caused by his every movement though since no one was home to hear.

It was almost ten o clock when the blond lay down on the bed. His arms were bandaged and hidden under his pajamas and sweatshirt. He had made sure to clean up his things and put the apartment temperature back to where Kanou normally kept it. Ayase always turned it up when he was home alone but put it back to normal before Kanou would come home. Everything was in its place…. _except Kanou-san,_ Ayase thought. He barely pulled the covers over his head before he passed out.


	4. Chapter 4: Inevitable Collapse

_It's shortish and not the best, sorry. I really struggled with what I wanted to do with this chapter and how to do it so I hope it turned out okay. Sorry for the slow update._

 _Comments are appreciated! Thank you for all the comments so far. I don't know if this would have ever gotten written without the extra inspiration!_

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35.5kg (78lbs)

It had been a week and a half since his breakdown. He had increased the number of pills and was drinking even less water since then. He had only lost three pounds. He decided to increase the pills again. He wasn't sure he could cut back on water any more though. Ayase was glad he didn't have to go to school or see Kanou today. He just couldn't force the smile on his face today, and it only got worse when his phone beeped.

Ayase's heart ached when he read the text message.

[From: Kanou

To: Ayase

I won't be home till early morning so don't worry about making me dinner or bother waiting up. You can order out for dinner if you want.]

Again. It was the same text message that Ayase found awaiting him on his phone more days than not now and it hurt.

First, Kanou-san was willing to leave the lights off during sex, at least when it was in the bedroom. Ayase thought that Kanou was just being nice because Ayase preferred the lights off, but Kanou-san was just tired of looking at his gross body and bratty face. Second, Kanou-san stopped eating with him as often. Ayase had thought he was busy but Kanou-san just thought Ayase was too fat and shouldn't be eating so much. Third, Kanou-san started coming home late or only to shower and grab clothes, or sometimes not at all. Kanou-san was avoiding him all together. Because he was ugly? Because Kanou-san had another lover? Because Ayase was just a dirty little brat?

Of course, Kanou-san had never actually said any of those things were the reasons for his actions. Ayase just guessed and assumed the guesses were right because what other answer could there be?

He put the phone away without a reply. He usually didn't reply anymore. Ayase's attention went back to the journal in front of him. It was his inspirational journal with the pictures and quotes. He had just finished cutting out a few new pictures and gluing them onto the lined pages and now he used his finger to trace over one of the skinny models. The model was skinny and beautiful…everything he wasn't. He was fat and ugly, the complete opposite of what he wanted….what Kanou wanted.

Even though he had been leaving the heat on a bit higher in the apartment lately, he still felt like he was freezing. There was never enough heat, just like there was never enough sleep because he was always tired. He rubbed his eyes and shifted positions, wincing as he felt the tingling needle sensation spread throughout his legs. They had fallen asleep again.

When the feeling subsided, he cleaned up his things and hid the book in its hiding place. On wobbly legs, he made his way to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

"Are you spending the night here again boss?" The younger Kudo twin asked. Kanou nodded.

"I'm trying to give Ayase some space. He's been acting unwell lately."

Kuba didn't reply to Kanou's reason. The boss seemed to be talking more to himself than Kuba and Kuba didn't really care anyway. Kuba simply bowed, said good night, and slipped out of the office.

When he stepped out, his twins eyes were staring at him.

"Is he staying here again?" Homare asked. Masao noticed a hint of concern in his brothers voice.

"Yes. Is something wrong?"

"I'm worried about Ayase. He hasn't been looking very well and the boss doesn't seem to care."

"Boss said he was giving Ayase space because he was acting unwell, not that it is any of our business."

"Perhaps it's not our business, but I saw Ayase with a bottle of pills at school the other day. I haven't decided whether or not to tell the boss yet."

"Do you have a death wish?" Misao's voice rose slightly and his expression turned to that of shock. "We are supposed to report that kind of stuff! Boss will have your head if he finds out now!"

"That's not the problem. I couldn't find them later though."

"Ayase isn't the type to get into trouble at least. It was probably nothing."

"I have a bad feeling. I…"

"I don't want to hear any more. I want no part of this." Misao didn't wait for Homare to respond. He walked off.

A little over two weeks passed. Almost a month had passed since Ayase had actually spent any time with Kanou even though school was currently on break and Ayase was never busy. Ayase's head was pounding and he stood trembling on the scale. He had a hard time making out the numbers through his bleary vision but he managed to make it out.

32kg (70lb)

Leaning on the counter for support, he jotted it down in barely readable scribble in his note book and pulled out the pill bottles, struggling to open them. His hands trembled and the pills spilled onto the floor with only a few successfully landing in Ayase's hand. He didn't bother counting them anymore.

The glass he was filling with sink water felt heavy and before he could react, it slipped out of his hands and fell to the floor. It didn't matter. The blond swallowed the pills with the bit of spit he could muster in his mouth. He couldn't really think straight as he ignored the glass on the floor and made his way to the shower. He felt bile rise up in his throat and he couldn't stop it. Ayase fell on the floor, vomiting, before completely losing consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5: What's Wrong With Ayase?

_Sorry for slow updates. They might get slower. I reread this story from the beginning and realized the first few chapters could have been written much better and smoother. I don't know if I will fix them, but I'm going to try to smooth it out from here on out. That might take me a bit longer to write._

 ** _Anyway!_** _Thank you for all the comments so far! They always make me super happy, like stupid grin on my face and ridiculous squealing happy._

 _Well, let me know what you think of this chapter...if you want to!_

 _Have a wonderful day!_

 _Okay...I'm talking too much...shutting up now. Without further delay...CHAPTER 5 dun dun dun._

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Kanou unlocked the apartment door and stepped in leaving Homare and Misao outside. He was officially dropping by to pick up some clothes and shower but in truth, he had a bad feeling. Something was tugging at his conscious telling him to go home.

"Stay here and Keep your guard up." He whispered to the two bodyguards. Then nodded, placing one hand on their guns.

Kanou began investigating the apartment warily. When he got farther in, he heard the shower running and sighed. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Ayase was probably in the shower. Everything was okay.

He knocked on the bathroom door and waited for an answer. There was no response. He tried again, calling out Ayase's name at the same time. He was met with silence again. Something WAS wrong.

"Ayase?" He called one more time. When there was no answer, he stepped back before slamming into the door and breaking it.

"Ay…." He stared down at the naked body on the floor surrounded by broken glass and pills. At first, Kanou couldn't register what he was seeing. It barely even looked like Ayase. Every bone was clearly defined. Bluish-greyish pale skin bore small cuts with bits of clotting blood from where the glass had pierced him. But that was Ayase's face, although those dark bags under the eyes and sunken cheeks didn't belong there either.

"Ayase…" he whispered. He knelt down and placed his hands on the blonds freezing cold shoulders and flinched. Is he dead? He thought almost too calmly.

"Ayase…" He tried shaking the boy. He called out Ayase's name several more times, louder each time, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. The Kuba twins had rushed in after hearing the door breaking but hadn't acted till now. They too were shocked.

Misao moved from behind the boss and placed two fingers on Ayase's neck while Homare picked up the pill bottle.

"He's alive, boss. We should get him to the hospital. I'll have the car brought around immediately." Misao removed his hand from Ayase's neck and stood. He took a blanket from the bedroom and handed it to Kanou. "You should wrap him up."

Kanou accepted the blanket and carefully wrapped the frail figure in it with shaking hands. It was a good thing he had brought his body guards because he couldn't think straight at the moment. How did this happen? What happened? Was it his fault? How long? Why? He wanted to know.

"Prescription weight loss pills?" Homare concluded after analyzing the bottle in his hand. His words snapped Kanou back to the present.

"I don't understand?" Kanou mumbled.

"We should take the bottle with us." Homare placed the bottle in his pocket and stood up. He had a feeling he knew what was going on but felt it could wait. Getting Ayase to the hospital was their first priority.

Kanou stood as well. They began to leave the bathroom when Homare noticed a little journal that had fallen in the corner. He picked it up, thinking maybe it was a suicide note that would explain all this, and stuck it in his pocket before following his boss out the door.

The care ride was silent minus the strangled and diminishing breaths from the small blond wrapped in the blanket. Kanou's face was unreadable as usual, but the way he held Ayase said enough.

He didn't wait for the door to be opened once they pulled up to the front of the emergency room. He dashed out before the car had even come to a complete stop. Ayase's breath was getting shallower and more strangled.

"Please don't die Ayase…I need you…" Kanou whispered before handing his lover to the nurse. Homare had already alerted the hospital on the way there so they didn't have to wait.

For Kanou, it seemed the world stood still. The image of Ayase's bleeding and bruised skeletal frame on the bathroom floor wouldn't get out of his head. It wasn't until he heard and saw Kaoruko, Someya-san, and Gion in front of him that he reentered reality.

"Wh…what are you guys doing here?" He rasped out.

"The twins called us. They told us Ayase was in the hospital and…." Gion stopped. He was about to say the twins told them Kanou could use some friendly support, but he thought better of it.

Someya-san sat down beside Kanou without speaking. He was like a second father to Kanou and he thought well of Ayase too. Kaoruko took the seat on the other side and Kanou didn't remark. The Okama was still his childhood friend and whether he would admit it or not, he still thought of him as a friend. Gion awkwardly sat on the floor with his worried look. He had instantly taken a liking to the little blond boy. Kanou was grateful for his presence too. He may be a pest, but he cared. Kanou would have to remember to thank Misao and Homare later. He hadn't even thought about calling anyone.

"Thanks." He replied after some time. It was the only word he could seem to find. The others nodded in understanding and joined the vigil till a doctor arrived in front of them.

"Are you Yukiya-sans family?" The doctor asked. Everyone nodded. They were as much his family as anyone else. The doctor looked skeptical but moved on.

"I'm Yukiya's doctor, Dr. Aoki." The doctor offered his hand which Kanou-san accepted.

"Somuku Kanou. How is Ayase?"

"We should talk somewhere more private. Please follow me to my office." The doctor gestured for him to follow. If he had any suspicions about the different surnames, he said nothing. He didn't stop the other three from coming along either. At some point, the Kuba twins fell in line with the others.

Once they all settled into the office, the doctor looked at Kanou with a piercing gaze that few would normally get away with, but Kanou was lost in his thoughts too much to care.

"Ayase Yukiya is in a coma." Dr. Aoki informed them quietly and let the information sink in before continuing. Kanou looked and felt like he had been hit by a truck. His Ayase was in a coma…. He felt Kaoruko and Someya-san squeeze his hands. Gion's hands on his shoulders tightened their grip ever so slightly, either out of shock, an attempt to be reassuring, or preparing to stop Kanou from attacking the doctor.

Kanou did his best to maintain his composure but found he couldn't, not entirely. Even losing his father didn't hurt this much and Ayase wasn't even dead. _What if he died? What if this is my fault? I left the boy alone. I thought Ayase's strange behavior was because he hated me. Had Ayase been sick all this time? How did this happen? What was wrong with Ayase? I want to ask, but I can't form any audible words. Why is it so quiet? Why can't I hear anything anymore? I feel like I can't breathe. I'm panicking. I'm having a panic attack, but Somuku Kanou doesn't panic. Except I am._ Kanou desperately tried to remember all of Ayase's strange behavior that he could have possibly misunderstood in a desperate attempt to understand how this happened. The doctor hadn't told them why Ayase was in a coma yet. _If only I could ask…..but I can't even hear…._


	6. Chapter 6: Love and Release

_Me: Damn you Kanou-san. You are so frustrating!_

 _Kanou- I can't help if that's how you wrote me._

 _Me: You wrote yourself!_

 _Kanou- That doesn't make any sense._

 _Me: Neither does me talking to you or whatever it is I'm talking to! You wrote you! This is your fault Kanou-san!_

 _Kanou- That will be 2,000,000 yen._

 _Me: For what?_

 _Kanou- Helping to write this_

 _Me: I'm so done with you._

 _Kanou- Only if I write me away...which I won't._

 _Me: -_- Comments appreciated!_

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"Somuku Kanou!" Someya-sans voice shook Kanou from his thoughts. He stared blankly at Someya-san who was kneeling before him with firm hands on his shoulders and a worried expression. "Kanou?"

"I'm okay." Kanou reassured the man, although Someya-san didn't look reassured at all. Kanou turned his attention back to the doctor. "Is Ayase sick?"

"It would appear he is suffering from a severe eating disorder, anorexia to be exact. It's to the point where his body is failing him." The doctor replied.

"I don't understand. Isn't that a female disease?" Someya-san had now moved to sit beside Kanou again.

"Females are more often affected than males, but the disease can affect males. I take it none of you were aware of his disorder?"

Kanou shook his head. "What is it exactly?"

"A serious physical and emotional illness usually where a person sees him or herself as fat regardless of their actual weight and uses drastic and unhealthy methods to reduce their weight whether it's starving, purging, weight loss pills, over exercise, or a combination of methods."

"I don't understand." Kanou looked at the doctor. _Why would Ayase have something like that?_ "What exactly is wrong with him?"

Dr. Aoki sighed. "He's severely malnourished and dehydrated. He probably hasn't eaten in days and I would guess he probably hasn't had much water either. He may have even been restricting his water intake. Guessing by his symptoms and the degree of damage, it's probably safe to assume he has been dealing with this for at least two years, possibly more. It's probably gotten drastically worse recently." The doctor paused to pull out a set of papers stapled together and handed it to Kanou. "This is just some basic information on eating disorders and associated complications."

Kanou took the papers and began reading over the page of listed complications as Gion, Someya-san, and Kaoruko looked over his shoulders.

 _Complications- Respiratory failure, kidney failure, heart failure, liver failure, arrhythmias, weakened immune system, muscle atrophy, electrolyte imbalances (seizures), vitamin deficiency (anemia), hypoglycemia, hypotension, hypothermia, temporary paralysis, severe reflux, osteopenia, ketoacidosis, TMJ, pancreatitis, cancer, hair loss, dry skin…_ the list went on as they read each word in their heads.

"D….does he….all of this?" Gion squeaked.

To their relief, Dr. Aoki shook his head, but his face remained grim. "No, but what he doesn't have, he's at a high risk of developing."

"Th…then wh…what does he have?" Kaoruko's voice was barely even a whisper.

Instead of answering, the doctor handed over a page from Ayase's chart that listed the current problems. They couldn't make out what some of the words meant, but arrhythmia, anemia, respiratory failure, hypotension, hypoglycemia, dehydration, hypothermia, atrophy, and osteopenia stuck out on the page like knives driving into their skin. They had a general idea of what those words meant.

Kanou scanned over the rest of the information packet as Someya-san took a better look at the chart. His eye stopped on "signs and symptoms." A part of him wanted to know if the signs had been there are he was oblivious to them meaning he was at fault, but the other part of him didn't want to know if he could have stopped this sooner. The former won.

 _Signs and symptoms_ , he read to himself, _include weight loss not caused by other known factors, baggy clothing, bathroom trips after meals, vague or secretive eating habits, hair loss, pale skin, bluish skin, dizziness, always feeling cold….._ Kanou stopped before getting half way down the list. He clenched his fists tightly till his knuckled turned white. He thought of what he had read on the list so far and recalled memories of each sign. The signs had been there and he missed them. He promised to protect Ayase, but he failed.

And then a sudden realization far worse than the others hit him. _What if I made him worse? The doctor said it started before I….before I took him in…but it probably got worse recently….Is it my fault? Did I push him too far? Did I break him? Oh God. Shit! Shit! Damn it! I wanted to protect him…but I screwed everything up…again! And now….he might…No! No! This isn't…..NO!_ Kanou dropped the papers and buried his face in his hands. It took a moment for the others to realize he was crying. Kanou was actually crying. Everyone froze.

"N…nii-san?" Gion was the first to break the silence. Kanou kept his head in his hands and whispered so quietly the others almost didn't hear.

"I did this…I did this to him…."

Someya-san pulled Kanou into a hug. It was strange and embarrassing, but Kanou didn't pull away. He couldn't. He destroyed the one thing that meant something to him. He destroyed the one person in his life he would die to protect. He destroyed the person who saved him.

He took a few moments to calm himself before pulling away and straightening up.

"Old man." He refered to Someya-san. "Remember the last meeting…when A….Ayase was with us?"

Someya-san nodded his head.

"Please…..take care of him."

"What are you going to do?" Gion asked suddenly afraid of what Kanou might be thinking.

"I'm going to do what's best for Ayase. I'll get out of his life."

"You don't even know if Ayase-kun wants that!" Kaoruko protested. The Okama was pretty sure that wasn't what Ayase would want, but he didn't have any way to convince Kanou of that.

"You aren't going to do something stupid are you?" Gion tried to keep his panic down. Kanou wouldn't do something like that…would he?

"You don't need to worry Gion. I'm not going to do _that._ I'm just letting Ayase go. He never belonged with me. Watch over him please. Do what I couldn't. Let's go. Homare. Misao." Kanou stood and left. He was slightly startled to see the doctor outside. He hadn't noticed the man leave the room.

"Where are you going?" Dr. Aoki asked. He had left to give them some privacy and only heard tidbits of the conversation.

"Thank you Dr. Aoki. Please take good care of Ayase-kun. The others will be watching over him now."

The doctor raised his eyebrows. "You don't want to see him?" He pried.

"It's best for him if I leave now. I've done enough damage."

"I don't know what's going on, but please reconsider. When Yukiya-kun wakes up, he's going to need all the support…"

Kanou shook his head cutting the doctor off mid-sentence. "I'll only hurt him. I'll be leaving now." Kanou bowed respectively and left before the doctor could try to persuade him otherwise again. His mind was made up.


	7. Chapter 7: Return to Me

_Very short chapter. Sorry. I might put this story on hold for a little while. It doesn't get many reads anyways and I have a lot of other stories. I haven't decided yet. I won't abandon it. I will finish it. It just might be a while. Sorry._

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It had been a little more than a week since Ayase had been admitted to the hospital. Kanou had told the others to look out for the boy, however, he didn't want to be informed on the Ayase's condition. It would be too much. Except, not knowing was proving to be too much too.

He was startled from his thoughts by his phone ringing.

"Hello?" He answered.

"You damn brat!" Someya-san shouted.

"What do you want old man?" Kanou returned irritably.

"Get your ass to this hospital right now!"

"I told you…"

"The kid is going to kill himself if you don't!" Someya-san cut Kanou off.

"What do you…" Kanou didn't get to finish before getting cut off again, this time by Kaoruko.

"He won't eat. He doesn't sleep. He's refusing treatment. He's lost even more weight! He's been depressed ever since he found out you weren't coming back. He is in love with you you gigantic buffoon. Must we spell it out for you!? If you don't want his death on your hands I suggest you get here now!"

Kanou was silent for a moment before grabbing his coat.

"Homare! Get the car! We are going to the hospital NOW!" Kanou shouted, already running out of his office with Homare right behind, calling his brother to bring the car around. "I'll be there soon." He hung up and dashed into the waiting car outside the building.

As soon as Misao pulled up to the entrance, Kanou got out with Homare close behind, and ran right past the front desk towards Ayase's room. Kanou only stopped when Someya-san stepped in front of him.

"It's about time you finally showed up brat!" Someya-san hit Kanou on the head. "Were you waiting for the boy to die before you showed up?! I thought I raised you better than that."

"Get out of my way old man!" Kanou pushed the older man aside and threw open the door.

Gion, who had been sitting beside the bed stood and left to give the two some privacy. Kanou looked at the pitiful sight in front of him. Ayase looked so thin and helpless as he shivered.

"A….Ayase?" Kanou spoke softly and watched as the boys eyes fluttered open. Ayase's head turned towards the sound of the voice and he squinted as if he was unsure whether he was seeing things or not.

"K…Kanou-san?"

Kanou nodded and walked closer till he was standing next to Ayase. He took the smaller hand in his and winced at how freezing cold the skin felt. "I'm here."

"I…..I thought you left me…..that I wasn't good enough for you…." Ayase started crying or rather, sobbing. "Please don't leave me Kanou-san. I'll do whatever you want. I'll lose more weight. I'll let you do whatever you want to me. I won't bother you. I'll make…."

Kanou felt his heart ache with every promise the small boy muttered. Ayase thought Kanou wanted him thinner? That he wanted more sex? That such little things were why Kanou left him? It hurt. But Kanou couldn't blame the kid. He was never very open about what he did want, but Ayase hadn't told him his feelings either.

He placed a small chaste kiss on Ayase's lips to shut him up.

"You don't need to do any of that stuff Ayase." Kanou felt a few tears escape his eyes but he continued. "Please don't lose anymore weight. Your dying Ayase. Can't you see that? I don't want you to die. Please…" He picked up the frail boy in a gentle and careful hug, mindful of the wires and machines and held him close.


	8. Chapter 8: Consent

_Since the last chapter was short and I got inspired by someones comment, I decided to make another short chapter._

 _Like I said before, I won't be updating this as frequently anymore but I won't abandon it. This might be the last update for a while though._

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Ayase didn't reply. After a few minutes of sobbing, he went still and quiet as he passed out. If it weren't for the steady beeping of the heart monitor, Kanou would have thought he was dead.

He sat there holding Ayase's hand for a few minutes more before stepping out into the hallway where the others were waiting for him. The doctor had joined as well.

"You came back." The doctor announced dryly with a sad smile and Kanou nodded.

"He looks….worse…." Kanou observed and noticed Someya-san wince in the corner of his eye. The doctor only nodded and suggested they go speak in his office, so the group followed and took similar positions as they had the first time they had been to the office.

"So….it's gotten worse?" Kanou asked. The doctor nodded. "How much worse?"

"I don't know how to say this exactly…." The doctor started but was cut off by Someya-san.

"He's dying." It was a statement, not a question, but the doctor still answered.

"Since he refuses extensive treatment and refuses to eat…..he's looking at two weeks."

"And if I can convince him to take the treatment?" Kanou tried to ignore the previous statement.

"Patients with eating disorders don't accept treatment easily. They usually don't think they need it. Treatment mainly involves reintroducing their body to food and nutirents, assuming their body is willing to accept anything. He's receiving basic nutrients intervaneously already but that isn't enough. He needs a feeding tube and to start eating on his own. The feeding tube needs to be inserted today if there is to be any chance of him recovering. That's why I asked them to call you today. If he refuses though….I suggest you take him home and make him comfortable."

"Can't you just determine him incapable of making his own medical decisions and force him to get treatment." Someya-san asked.

"Despite what some may believe, we highly frown upon such tactics."

"I'll make his agree." Kanou interrupted. "Where is the consent form?"

The doctor handed him the form and he left.

"Ayase!" Kanou shouted as he entered the boy's hospital room. Ayase's eyes slowly opened and Kanou shoved a clip board into his hands. "Sign. Right now!"

Ayase looked at the paper and then back at Kanou. His sight was too blurry to read, but he knew what the form was. The doctor had been trying to get him to sign for days and he had no intention of signing it….not even for Kanou. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Damn it Ayase! Sign it right now!"

"NO!"

"YOU'LL DIE IF YOU DON'T!"

"I WON'T!"

"YOU WILL!"

"I'M FINE!"

"YOU'RE DYING!"

Tears fell from both of their eyes as they stared at one another defiantly. Neither of them was ready to back down.

"I'm fine Kanou-san. I don't need this." Ayase mumbled, referring to the form. Kanou let out an exasperated sigh and slumped down in the chair beside the bed with his head resting in his hands.

"Sign Ayase."

"No."

Kanou sighed again. Ayase was refusing to budge. Kanou didn't want to play dirty. He didn't want to hurt Ayase anymore. But he would. He would if it got Ayase to sign the damn form.

"Sign Ayase. Sign or I sell your cousin."

He didn't look at Ayase and he didn't need to. He could imagine the boys expression well enough. Of course, he would never actually do such a thing to Ayase….unless it was the only way to save him. If the threat didn't work though…but he didn't have to worry about that. There was a soft scribbling noise mixed with quiet tears and the clip board was shoved into his chest.

"Get out." Ayase's voice shook as he ordered Kanou away. Kanou didn't protest. It wouldn't do any good. What he said was unforgivable….but it was the only way.


	9. Chapter 9: In His Arms

**I finally decided to update this. It's short, but I hope you will forgive me.**

 **I'm thinking I might rewrite the story and stretch out the beginning but it probably won't be for a while. Anyway, I appreciate all your comments and especially your patience for putting up with my slow and unreliable updates. I'll try to update sooner next time, but no guarantees.**

 **Just a quick note: None of my stories will be updated again until sometime after mid-August. I am currently out of town with limited internet access and spare time so I apologize. I'll be back to writing again in August though!**

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An emergency surgery was scheduled for that evening to put the gastronomy tube in. The doctor didn't want to waste any time since Ayase might not have much left. It was a short procedure and first feeding was given that night, although Ayase was asleep for it. The doctor insisted it was probably better that way. Kanou sent the others home to shower and rest once it was finished and Ayase was in the clear. He however decided to keep a silent vigil through the night by Ayase's bed, determined to be there when they younger boy woke.

And he was. When Ayase's eyes flickered open the next morning, the first thing they focused on was Kanou. Honestly, Ayase wasn't sure he wanted to see him yet. He was still angry about the consent form. He didn't want the tube. It wasn't necessary. No matter what Kanou, the doctor, or anyone else said, Ayase couldn't accept that he was dying or that he was thin. He was still fat and ugly. Why couldn't anyone else see that?

However, Ayase found comfort in Kanou's presence too. He loved the man and wanted nothing more than to feel those strong arms around him, well almost nothing more. Kanou felt much the same way at the moment, wanting almost nothing more than to wrap his arms around his lover. Perhaps the only thing he wanted more than that was to see Ayase healthy and happy again, but that wasn't something that could be accomplished so easily or quickly. At least, holding him was something he could do right now, but he wasn't sure how Ayase would react. He wasn't even sure Ayase wanted him in the room at all. It wouldn't be a shock if he didn't. Kanou wouldn't blame him either. What Kanou did was wrong. It was for the right reasons, but it was still wrong. He would do it a hundred times over, he would not regret it, but it was still wrong. So if Ayase wanted nothing to do with him, he would understand. He wouldn't regret his actions, but he would understand at least.

After several minutes passed, Ayase made up his mind. He was still angry, but he was also in pain and tired and feeling far too vulnerable. He and Kanou weren't very good at wordless communication so he reached a trembling bony hand out and asked to be held. The blush on his cheeks was a fiery red from the embarrassment of asking such a thing, but he was too tired to hide it.

Kanou's lips formed an almost unnoticeable smile as he nodded his head and stood from his seat. In one swift continuous movement, he picked Ayase up and slid underneath, placing the blond on top of him and holding him tight.

A fresh wave of tears broke free and Ayase buried his face into Kanou's shirt, staining it with countless tears. He missed this. He missed Kanou's arms. He missed his warmth. He missed the light scent of his overpriced cologne. He missed Kanou's firm chest and the strong beating of his heart. He missed it more than he even knew.

Kanou didn't mind the wetness of his shirt as he pulled the blankets up to Ayase's chin and held him close. He missed the closeness and was glad to be able to hold the boy in his arms again, but there was sadness to it too. It wasn't the same as it used to be. Ayase had always been thin, but now he was little more than a sack of bones barely placing any pressure on Kanou despite almost all his weight being curled up on top of Kanou's torso. What Kanou held hardly seemed like a human being at all. He was too light and boney and his skin was too cold. Then again, Ayase hardly looked human anymore either, Kanou thought. The way Ayase's cheeks and eyes sunk into his pale greyish face and the dull look of those once bright determined blue eyes. The blue tint to Ayase's hands and thin chapped lips. The way one could count every bone and the paleness of the skin that desperately clung to each one. How Ayase's knobby knees were wider than his thighs or how his arms were barely wider than two or three of Kanou's fingers. None of it seemed quite human. It was too unreal and Kanou wished he could hold the old Ayase again. The one that laughed and the one with bright blue stubborn eyes and shining blond hair. The healthy one with such a strong will to live. The one that always…but he stopped those thoughts. They were no good for him now. He still loved Ayase whether it was this current version or the old one. Of course he wanted the old one back. Hell, almost anything would be better than what was currently reality, but he needed to stop reminiscing and focus on how to get that Ayase back. And they needed to talk. He and Ayase needed to have a very long talk about everything. They needed to talk about Ayase's thoughts and clear up the ridiculous misunderstandings between the two of them. They needed to talk about what each other was thinking instead of trying to guess, because according to Kaoruko and the others, that's how this whole thing got so messed up in the first place. Instead of talking, they acted and assumed and apparently they assumed wrong and acted unclearly.

He wasn't sure how to approach the topic. A fight might break out if he said the wrong thing and he didn't want that. Then again, was there even a way to approach the topic without upsetting Ayase?


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